Thursday, August 11, 2005
Bleh!
I had a breakthrough this morning, then it deflated as I read one of my very favorite blogs.

I have had recurring dreams throughout my life. They are not necessarily nightmares but when I wake up they leave me with a distinct feeling of unease. I dream that I am being attacked in some way(not usually sexual) and cannot scream for help or get away. Last night I had one of these dreams. It was interesting as it involved one of my hubby's coworkers and occurred right outside his job. I had went to his building to drop something off (which I frequently do because we only have one car) and as I was coming out, this guy was sitting in my car. I told him to get the hell out. He went to get out then he grabbed me. I screamed bloody murder and the scream actually came out. Usually the scream is muffled like I've lost my voice or I can't open my mouth, but last night I screamed clear as day. The guy let go and ran away. I felt empowered. It was great.

Then I got to work and as I was waiting for my logon to boot up, I was reading one of my favorite blogs. I won't name it because I still love it and I don't want to cause problems. There is no need for that. It's just that her particular subject matter today hit close to home. Or should I say it hit close to broken home. She was talking about how she grew up in a house while though fairly sexually conservative, she always knew her parents loved each other. That made me want to cry. I don't have a dad. Technically, I have a man that made me, but I have never met him. I know his name, Mark Charland, and his nationality, French Canadian. I know nothing else. I try not to talk to my mom about him because I can see that it hurts her, but I want a dad. This feeling comes and goes. It was especially intense when I got married. My grandfather (my mom's dad) was not well, he had Alzheimer's, so I had my brother walk me down the aisle. Now I love my brother to death and it was wonderful to have him play a special part in my wedding but he is eight years younger than me. It's just not the sameas having a dad. I got this yearning feeling again yesterday. I don't particularly know why, but I felt I should try and find my dad. I forgot about it when I got home. Then this morning, reading that blog just made it come back so hurtfully. I am glad she has(had?) parents like that. It is just more glaring now that I didn't.

Hopefully I can wean myself out of this poor, poor, pitiful me mood. I don't quite know what the solution is but soon I know I will.

Now I am off to shop for furniture, (SHHH! I think hubby and I might be moving soon! :))
posted by ~M~ @ 9:38 AM  
2 Comments:
  • At August 11, 2005 at 12:20:00 PM EDT, Anonymous The Guvnor said…

    I would guess that many people have these types of dream, or we a both very strange people. I used to get that sort of dream all the time where I was being attacked and couldnt shout for help because nothing came out when i tried. They usualy happened when I was a child. I think I have been promoted to having new dreams of being shot and being involved in a plane crash to mention a couple.

    Damn, I am very strange.lol

     
  • At August 11, 2005 at 1:14:00 PM EDT, Anonymous OldGuy said…

    Hey, there's nothing wrong with wishing you knew your dad Ruby. I was lucky enough to have one (albeit adopted) and I remember him fondly.

    And thanks for dropping by the tree house today, hope you didn't mind the mess ;-)

     
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